being abroad alone often triggers an uncontrollable stream of thoughts through my head; starting from the usual reflection of embarassing episodes of my life to the futile self-reprimandation of what i’m doing with my life, where i’m trying to go etc. etc.
but after arriving in kunming with a whole lot of time and worry in my hands, i finally redeemed myself some time to think about that question of where i belong and what i’m doing with my life. usually i tend to circle around my previous conclusion that even though i technically don’t have a home anymore, it’s the same for any person my age, attending college or some form of higher education — once one makes that decision to better their life condition through a self-training educational medium, they immediately cess themselves from what was once called “home” or “parents’ home” until they are found sustainable enough to start one of their own.
but setting aside the problem of “having a home”, what started off as useless thoughts seemed to bring me toward an astonishing point (inspired by two very special people that i know) that is perhaps or perhaps not true in my life: everything in life is expandable/disposable, people included.
although i do realize that it is indeed very cold-hearted and inhumane to think in such manner, but the odd nineteen going-on twenty years of my life seems to be telling me that things and people alike become more or less valuable depending on how much you are in need of them: this includes items that concern health, safety, hygiene, and also social interaction and love.
this idea was formulated by my often reflected idea of “people coming and going” and the “being in your life only if you want me to” idea alongside my summer experience at beishida. nearing the end of my stay in beishida, i found that i was growing very attached to the posse there, and even though i did leave one week earlier than the projected date because i was growing tired of the whole studying in beijing atmosphere, but once i got here in kunming i started thinking that maybe it’s better off that i had stayed in beijing despite the ennui that might have ensued, and started to miss my friends.
but then i started to analyze my situation a little and started to wonder how i had grown so attached to a group of people i had only known for a month… and realized it was purely because i felt the need to reach out and socialize out of the fact that i was virtually alone in a foreign country, and because we all shared this common feeling we were able to reach out and become friends no matter how different we were from each other. but now that we’re all back at our usual posts, life resumes its normal pace; will these friends who i had unconsciously regarded as friends purely on the need-basis of security and social interaction still remain friends?
it seems that for normal people distance seems to make the heart grow fonder; but for me, distance only plants questions and doubts in my mind.
or maybe i’m just tired of moving around and not seeing the ones i love everyday…
